Monday, August 3, 2009
They say women can't make up their minds....
The USAF is the absolute worst. Women do NOT hold a candle to their indecisiveness. What makes it worse is the fact that not only does it effect the person who is active duty, but their whole family.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Almost there.
Sometimes admitting that you are out of control and admitting HE is in control is the best way to find peace.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Sometimes you have to find what works for you...
I'm searching for it now.
I have to find it soon.
Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans that I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
I have to find it soon.
Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans that I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Over my head
Let me start this off by saying that I do count my blessings daily. Please, do not think that I am a "whiner". I try to take situations for what they are and work around them to the best of my ability.
Mike found out Friday that he is deploying again. To be honest, I really didn't have a reaction. I felt so numb. I knew in my head it was happening but in my heart I still hoped that I would be happily surprised that it he wouldn't go on this push. All I could say was "Oh, OK".
Later that night we went to Tifton to stay with a friend. The next day, after having a nightmare that I am sure I don't have to describe it to you for you to get the picture, I woke up mad. Just angry at the world. Mike had been picking on me all morning, just the usual. I snapped. I said stuff that I could hear myself saying, but could not believe that it was me saying it. I didn't mean it.
I told him that he should just leave now because I have to do everything else by myself. I told him that I hated this life. I told him that I hated that every aspect of my life revolved around him. That I had no choice in anything that happened. I told him, again, to leave me, for him to make it easier on us both and divorce me.
**I didn't want him to leave, I knew my life would revolve around him, I knew that I would have little choice in my life. **
I expected him to leave me then. I honestly did.
Instead, he reached out and hugged me. He told me that he knew that I felt like I was drowning. That he understood and knew that I didn't mean it.
I cried harder right then, than I had in a LONG time. I hugged him and told him I was so sorry. That this wasn't me. I am just so mad at the world. I am so tired of him being taken from me and he was the victim of that annoyance. I begged him to forget all that I had said.
He told me it was already done. That he knew I meant none of it.
Without him, I would be lost. I feel terrible because I am worried that he is going to miss the single most important day of both of our lives. That he is going to miss the birth of his son.
I don't worry about me. I worry about him. I worry that the guilt that he expressed last Christmas will be back and more overwhelming this time. I want him to be there, but I can't rearrange a unit leaving. All I can do is pray that the unit that has never cared about families before, begins to before then. That they find someway to work without him there just for a short amount of time. As always, I am expecting the worst. I have to, to stay sane. To keep myself from being devastated when it does happen.
Being totally honest, I am terrified. Of all of this. I know I have my friends here and all. Not that I don't appreciate it. I just want him there for that. For the most important event of our lives. He has missed most of the others.
Please, remember, do not take your loved ones for granted. They might not always be around when you do need them.
Mike found out Friday that he is deploying again. To be honest, I really didn't have a reaction. I felt so numb. I knew in my head it was happening but in my heart I still hoped that I would be happily surprised that it he wouldn't go on this push. All I could say was "Oh, OK".
Later that night we went to Tifton to stay with a friend. The next day, after having a nightmare that I am sure I don't have to describe it to you for you to get the picture, I woke up mad. Just angry at the world. Mike had been picking on me all morning, just the usual. I snapped. I said stuff that I could hear myself saying, but could not believe that it was me saying it. I didn't mean it.
I told him that he should just leave now because I have to do everything else by myself. I told him that I hated this life. I told him that I hated that every aspect of my life revolved around him. That I had no choice in anything that happened. I told him, again, to leave me, for him to make it easier on us both and divorce me.
**I didn't want him to leave, I knew my life would revolve around him, I knew that I would have little choice in my life. **
I expected him to leave me then. I honestly did.
Instead, he reached out and hugged me. He told me that he knew that I felt like I was drowning. That he understood and knew that I didn't mean it.
I cried harder right then, than I had in a LONG time. I hugged him and told him I was so sorry. That this wasn't me. I am just so mad at the world. I am so tired of him being taken from me and he was the victim of that annoyance. I begged him to forget all that I had said.
He told me it was already done. That he knew I meant none of it.
Without him, I would be lost. I feel terrible because I am worried that he is going to miss the single most important day of both of our lives. That he is going to miss the birth of his son.
I don't worry about me. I worry about him. I worry that the guilt that he expressed last Christmas will be back and more overwhelming this time. I want him to be there, but I can't rearrange a unit leaving. All I can do is pray that the unit that has never cared about families before, begins to before then. That they find someway to work without him there just for a short amount of time. As always, I am expecting the worst. I have to, to stay sane. To keep myself from being devastated when it does happen.
Being totally honest, I am terrified. Of all of this. I know I have my friends here and all. Not that I don't appreciate it. I just want him there for that. For the most important event of our lives. He has missed most of the others.
Please, remember, do not take your loved ones for granted. They might not always be around when you do need them.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Oh Boy!!
I really need to update this more often. I have been slacking terribly!!
Well there is LOTS to update everyone on. We found out we are having a BOY!! We are still working on names. But we have a few picked out. We are both so excited to finally know the sex. We found out that I am due one week earlier (which is what I thought). They actually moved my due date to Nov 7Th. I have picked out a lot of stuff for him, just not registered for it yet. I probably need to get a move on that too.
Mike has been working a LOT. Seems like between work, softball and golf he is never home. He was invited to play on the USAF Softball team. That will look really great on his resume.
I have done a lot of traveling recently and its not over with. I have been back to Norway, CT, NY and will be going to AL and KS in the next 2 months. I need to make sure I see everyone before I have the baby. Plus, we will never know when we will get orders. IF we will ever get orders. Ugh, I am not going to get started on that.
That is about all I can think of at the moment. It's late and I'm getting tired so that's probably why!
Well there is LOTS to update everyone on. We found out we are having a BOY!! We are still working on names. But we have a few picked out. We are both so excited to finally know the sex. We found out that I am due one week earlier (which is what I thought). They actually moved my due date to Nov 7Th. I have picked out a lot of stuff for him, just not registered for it yet. I probably need to get a move on that too.
Mike has been working a LOT. Seems like between work, softball and golf he is never home. He was invited to play on the USAF Softball team. That will look really great on his resume.
I have done a lot of traveling recently and its not over with. I have been back to Norway, CT, NY and will be going to AL and KS in the next 2 months. I need to make sure I see everyone before I have the baby. Plus, we will never know when we will get orders. IF we will ever get orders. Ugh, I am not going to get started on that.
That is about all I can think of at the moment. It's late and I'm getting tired so that's probably why!
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Bad weather, housing and no orders...OH MY!!!
I usually pride myself on being an optimist. I guess there has been so much going on that I have turned into quite the pessimist. There is a lot of things that are bothering me. I wish I could just focus on what is good in my life, but they are nagging. Here we go...
- The weather- We are having some really bad weather. Its been raining and storming for over a week. Tifton (where I grew up) has been declared a state of emergency. Roads all over are being shut down, schools are being evacuated, people are being advised to get water bottles and canned goods. It is really scary. We are constantly under tornado warnings. Many people are having to leave their houses and we are all terrified that we are next. Please keep everyone in this area in your thoughts and prayers. WE MISS THE SUN!!!
- Housing- We live on privatized base housing. We are under a lease just like everyone else. We live in a 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom duplex that would not go for more than $650 anyplace around here. We have just had our rent increased (MID LEASE) by $100!! Our house has flooded 11 times since Jan. Not by the weather, but because the plumbing systems are terrible. We have no carpet, just 70's school room tile. We were receiving a electric allotment of $100 and that usually covered our bill. They have just revoked that. So, now our entire BAH is going to rent and we have to pay electric out of pocket. Our rent is at a total of $956 right now. I know a lot of you are saying "Move off base then!!" I would, but with Mike being in Iraq and Afgan all of the time it is dangerous living alone here. Someone tried to break into our house while I was home when we did live off base. I don't want to put the baby or myself in any danger. That is where the base knows that they can get away with it. They know that it is safe. And 64% of people that live on base housing are security forces. They know we need this security in our life. We need to know we are all safe while our husbands work their asses off over seas. **And now they are discussing adding gas meters to our house and making us pay for gas as well as electric**
- Orders- Mike has told me time after time not to worry about this because he wont be deploying with this unit again. I have a gut feeling that he will be deployed and before the baby is born. I have nightmares about it for pete's sake. I think that our only way to avoid that entirely is to get orders. We have been passed up so many times, its really past our time. Mike was only supposed to be here for 3 years. He has been here almost 6. He is the last one from the "original group." I really hope that when this next set of orders goes down we will be in them. I really don't care where we will go, as long as it means he is here for the most important days of our lives!!!
There is just so much going on now. I find myself trying to keep my mind on the positive things, like were going to be parents!! I try to focus on the good in life. It has just become increasingly harder for me to do this.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Sick again.
I hate being sick. And what is worse than being sick is being pregnant and sick. I went to the doctor yesterday and they gave me some meds. I am just rather apprehensive to take them. They did a ultra sound. It was a crappy machine. So all I saw was a tiny dot barley moving. Mike didn't make it in time to see it. He will be there at the first appt.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Lots of news.
I am getting bad at blogging on a regular basis because I am back writing in my regular journal. Its hard to remember to do both.
Well we found out on Wed March 11Th that I am pregnant! We have never been happier about anything. Mike has not stopped smiling. Yet, he has turned into the caffeine Nazi!! Haha, no more soda for me unless it is sprite or 7-up. I did make a cool discovery...fanta is caffeine free :D Both of our families are really excited. Although, my mother is wanting to be called "Oma" and I said nope...its weird.
I am guessing that I am anywhere from 5-7 weeks pregnant. My first appointment is April 6Th. He is taking off of work to go with me. I am really glad that he can be here for all of this. Not only does it mean a lot to me it means a lot to him.
We are really hoping for orders still. I am not sure how good this hoping is doing though.
I am worried that he wont be here for the birth, or worse...the new born stage and I will have to do it all alone. I know I can, its just not in "Alyie's Dream Book" to be a single mom for that part of this experience(don't get me wrong, I know it's not in any ones dream book to be a single parent while the other is at war). He told me not to even think about him deploying. That is easier said than done. He is always prepared to go. I have to keep my mind in the right frame in case he does leave. I can't be caught off guard with something of that magnitude.
That is about it for now. I will try to be more consistent with my updates in here.
God Bless.
Well we found out on Wed March 11Th that I am pregnant! We have never been happier about anything. Mike has not stopped smiling. Yet, he has turned into the caffeine Nazi!! Haha, no more soda for me unless it is sprite or 7-up. I did make a cool discovery...fanta is caffeine free :D Both of our families are really excited. Although, my mother is wanting to be called "Oma" and I said nope...its weird.
I am guessing that I am anywhere from 5-7 weeks pregnant. My first appointment is April 6Th. He is taking off of work to go with me. I am really glad that he can be here for all of this. Not only does it mean a lot to me it means a lot to him.
We are really hoping for orders still. I am not sure how good this hoping is doing though.
I am worried that he wont be here for the birth, or worse...the new born stage and I will have to do it all alone. I know I can, its just not in "Alyie's Dream Book" to be a single mom for that part of this experience(don't get me wrong, I know it's not in any ones dream book to be a single parent while the other is at war). He told me not to even think about him deploying. That is easier said than done. He is always prepared to go. I have to keep my mind in the right frame in case he does leave. I can't be caught off guard with something of that magnitude.
That is about it for now. I will try to be more consistent with my updates in here.
God Bless.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Since he has come home...
Life has been great. I have been a bit busy and we both got sick at one point but things are going great. I love being so close to him. Sometimes when I wake up at night, I have to touch him just to make sure that he is really there. We are praying for orders really soon. I would love to have him home with me for longer than a few months. ((keep your fingers crossed))
School and work are going well. I have been rather busy with school. I am taking some rather tough classes that require a lot of work.
Valentines Day was our first one together. It was amazing. We went to Amelia Island. Our usual getaway. We stayed at our fav hotel and relaxed. On V-day we went to a Dinner show. It was a jazz band. They were amazing. We had a great time.
We are hoping to return for one more weekend before it gets too hot. Haha, odd I know. It is the beach. We usually don't go there to go to the ocean though. We go to relax, to go to the historic part of town and eat a great meal at our fav Itallian place, Pompaos and shop around the area.
It is one of places where we get to feel like a normal couple. Where him being in the AF doesnt matter, where Iraq is so far out of our minds...we need more places like that!
He returns to work next week. It is really going to stink then, because we will have even less time together. I can't wait to get out of this place.
School and work are going well. I have been rather busy with school. I am taking some rather tough classes that require a lot of work.
Valentines Day was our first one together. It was amazing. We went to Amelia Island. Our usual getaway. We stayed at our fav hotel and relaxed. On V-day we went to a Dinner show. It was a jazz band. They were amazing. We had a great time.
We are hoping to return for one more weekend before it gets too hot. Haha, odd I know. It is the beach. We usually don't go there to go to the ocean though. We go to relax, to go to the historic part of town and eat a great meal at our fav Itallian place, Pompaos and shop around the area.
It is one of places where we get to feel like a normal couple. Where him being in the AF doesnt matter, where Iraq is so far out of our minds...we need more places like that!
He returns to work next week. It is really going to stink then, because we will have even less time together. I can't wait to get out of this place.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Wooohooo
OMG Less than a week!!!!
Less than 5 days to be exact.
I am soooo excited.
Time needs to FLY.
FLYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
Less than 5 days to be exact.
I am soooo excited.
Time needs to FLY.
FLYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
Sunday, January 11, 2009
It wont be long now.
Wow, long day today. Woke up at 9 am. Finally at home and its 6 am!!!!!
I am exausted. I'll post more tomorrow.
He's ALMOST HOME WITH ME!!!
I am exausted. I'll post more tomorrow.
He's ALMOST HOME WITH ME!!!
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Home stretch
HE WILL BE HOME IN LESS THAN 2 WEEKS!!!!!!
This deployment has really flown by!!!
I am so happy that he will be home safe with me again. Hopefully for longer than a few months.
I think that after Xmas we are both hoping for orders soon.
I have acomplished a LOT this deployment.
I have almost met all of my goals
I spent time with my friends and family (in the USA and in Europe)
I have unpacked my house, unfortunatly looks like we might be moving AGAIN!! At least I wont have to do it alone.
I have been training really hard in Tkd and my form is looking better everyday.
I have been going to the gym every weekday. We will see how it goes once school starts back.
I have lost over 15 lbs total.
I have made a ton of new friends.
I survived this deployment with only a mild amount of insanity.
This deployment has really flown by!!!
I am so happy that he will be home safe with me again. Hopefully for longer than a few months.
I think that after Xmas we are both hoping for orders soon.
I have acomplished a LOT this deployment.
I have almost met all of my goals
I spent time with my friends and family (in the USA and in Europe)
I have unpacked my house, unfortunatly looks like we might be moving AGAIN!! At least I wont have to do it alone.
I have been training really hard in Tkd and my form is looking better everyday.
I have been going to the gym every weekday. We will see how it goes once school starts back.
I have lost over 15 lbs total.
I have made a ton of new friends.
I survived this deployment with only a mild amount of insanity.
Great song
The song "Come On Get Higher" by Matt Nathanson is stuck in my head. It is such a great song. The lyrics are just amazing.
"I miss the sound of your voice And I miss the rush of your skin And I miss the still of the silence As you breathe out and I breathe in If I could walk on water If I could tell you what's next I'd make you believe I'd make you forget So come on, get higher, loosen my lips Faith and desire and the swing of your hips Just pull me down hard And drown me in love So come on, get higher, loosen my lips Faith and desire and the swing of your hips Just pull me down hard And drown me in love I miss the sound of your voice The loudest thing in my head And I ache to remember All the violent, sweet, perfect words that you said If I could walk on water If I could tell you what's next I'd make you believe I'd make you forget So come on, get higher, loosen my lips Faith and desire and the swing of your hips Just pull me down hard And drown me in love So come on, get higher, loosen my lips Faith and desire and the swing of your hips Just pull me down hard And drown me in loveI miss the pull of your heart I taste the sparks on your tongue I see angels and devils and God, when you come on Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on Singin' sha la la la Singin' sha la la la la So come on, get higher, loosen my lips Faith and desire and the swing of your hips Just pull me down hard And drown me in love So come on, get higher, loosen my lips Faith and desire and the swing of your hips Just pull me down hard And drown me, drown me in love So wrong, So wrong So wrong, So right So come on, get higher So come on and get higher' Cause everything works, love Everything works in your arms."
There is so much going on. With work and my family. I really feel kind of lost. I have heard the same advice from plenty of people that I know they are probably right. I just can't seem to find the voice to do it. I guess that I am just not ready. I always find myself in these situations.
"I miss the sound of your voice And I miss the rush of your skin And I miss the still of the silence As you breathe out and I breathe in If I could walk on water If I could tell you what's next I'd make you believe I'd make you forget So come on, get higher, loosen my lips Faith and desire and the swing of your hips Just pull me down hard And drown me in love So come on, get higher, loosen my lips Faith and desire and the swing of your hips Just pull me down hard And drown me in love I miss the sound of your voice The loudest thing in my head And I ache to remember All the violent, sweet, perfect words that you said If I could walk on water If I could tell you what's next I'd make you believe I'd make you forget So come on, get higher, loosen my lips Faith and desire and the swing of your hips Just pull me down hard And drown me in love So come on, get higher, loosen my lips Faith and desire and the swing of your hips Just pull me down hard And drown me in loveI miss the pull of your heart I taste the sparks on your tongue I see angels and devils and God, when you come on Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on Singin' sha la la la Singin' sha la la la la So come on, get higher, loosen my lips Faith and desire and the swing of your hips Just pull me down hard And drown me in love So come on, get higher, loosen my lips Faith and desire and the swing of your hips Just pull me down hard And drown me, drown me in love So wrong, So wrong So wrong, So right So come on, get higher So come on and get higher' Cause everything works, love Everything works in your arms."
There is so much going on. With work and my family. I really feel kind of lost. I have heard the same advice from plenty of people that I know they are probably right. I just can't seem to find the voice to do it. I guess that I am just not ready. I always find myself in these situations.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Too long..too late!
It has been a while since I have updated this. I always seem to forget about it.
It is 2009!! Hopefully this will be a great year. A year filled with changes and new beginnings.
This deployment is almost over FINALLY!!!! I am so glad. It has been emotionally trying for both of us. It will be great to have him home with me again. Out of 16 months of marriage we have only had a little over 4 months together.
There is so much going on now. Classes start on Monday, work is going in full swing and I am trying to get ready for homecoming. I was considering painting my kitchen and maybe my bedroom too. I have decided against it. I am not sure if we are even going to be staying here. As much as I would love to remain close to my family and friends I think that if another deployment comes up quickly then Mike will freak out...not to mention me.
We have decided to redo his dream sheat. That way we have a chance to get out of here.
I honestly think that we should travel while we can. It will be an adventure.
Work is busy. There is a lot going on. I am not happy with some of it and I need to make some serious decisions about it. It will happen when the time is right.
My weightloss is going good. I have lost a bit of weight and have joined The biggest loser for the board I am on. I am hoping to get into better shape.
That is it for now. I am going to try to get some sleep...dang migranes :-(
It is 2009!! Hopefully this will be a great year. A year filled with changes and new beginnings.
This deployment is almost over FINALLY!!!! I am so glad. It has been emotionally trying for both of us. It will be great to have him home with me again. Out of 16 months of marriage we have only had a little over 4 months together.
There is so much going on now. Classes start on Monday, work is going in full swing and I am trying to get ready for homecoming. I was considering painting my kitchen and maybe my bedroom too. I have decided against it. I am not sure if we are even going to be staying here. As much as I would love to remain close to my family and friends I think that if another deployment comes up quickly then Mike will freak out...not to mention me.
We have decided to redo his dream sheat. That way we have a chance to get out of here.
I honestly think that we should travel while we can. It will be an adventure.
Work is busy. There is a lot going on. I am not happy with some of it and I need to make some serious decisions about it. It will happen when the time is right.
My weightloss is going good. I have lost a bit of weight and have joined The biggest loser for the board I am on. I am hoping to get into better shape.
That is it for now. I am going to try to get some sleep...dang migranes :-(
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