Almost there.

Sometimes admitting that you are out of control and admitting HE is in control is the best way to find peace.

Sometimes you have to find what works for you...

I'm searching for it now.
I have to find it soon.

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans that I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Over my head

Let me start this off by saying that I do count my blessings daily. Please, do not think that I am a "whiner". I try to take situations for what they are and work around them to the best of my ability.
Mike found out Friday that he is deploying again. To be honest, I really didn't have a reaction. I felt so numb. I knew in my head it was happening but in my heart I still hoped that I would be happily surprised that it he wouldn't go on this push. All I could say was "Oh, OK".
Later that night we went to Tifton to stay with a friend. The next day, after having a nightmare that I am sure I don't have to describe it to you for you to get the picture, I woke up mad. Just angry at the world. Mike had been picking on me all morning, just the usual. I snapped. I said stuff that I could hear myself saying, but could not believe that it was me saying it. I didn't mean it.
I told him that he should just leave now because I have to do everything else by myself. I told him that I hated this life. I told him that I hated that every aspect of my life revolved around him. That I had no choice in anything that happened. I told him, again, to leave me, for him to make it easier on us both and divorce me.
**I didn't want him to leave, I knew my life would revolve around him, I knew that I would have little choice in my life. **
I expected him to leave me then. I honestly did.
Instead, he reached out and hugged me. He told me that he knew that I felt like I was drowning. That he understood and knew that I didn't mean it.
I cried harder right then, than I had in a LONG time. I hugged him and told him I was so sorry. That this wasn't me. I am just so mad at the world. I am so tired of him being taken from me and he was the victim of that annoyance. I begged him to forget all that I had said.
He told me it was already done. That he knew I meant none of it.
Without him, I would be lost. I feel terrible because I am worried that he is going to miss the single most important day of both of our lives. That he is going to miss the birth of his son.
I don't worry about me. I worry about him. I worry that the guilt that he expressed last Christmas will be back and more overwhelming this time. I want him to be there, but I can't rearrange a unit leaving. All I can do is pray that the unit that has never cared about families before, begins to before then. That they find someway to work without him there just for a short amount of time. As always, I am expecting the worst. I have to, to stay sane. To keep myself from being devastated when it does happen.
Being totally honest, I am terrified. Of all of this. I know I have my friends here and all. Not that I don't appreciate it. I just want him there for that. For the most important event of our lives. He has missed most of the others.
Please, remember, do not take your loved ones for granted. They might not always be around when you do need them.